i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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