i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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