How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
