No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
