the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
