Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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