Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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