how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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