can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
