hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
