I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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