My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
