apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
