Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
