Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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