Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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