dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
