somebody snuck up and got me drunk
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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