Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
