Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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