She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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