Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
