I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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