before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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