I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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