At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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