My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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