thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
