Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
