This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
