Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
