I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
