Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
