so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
