We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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