I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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