I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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