Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
