The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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