p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
