I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
