I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
