the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize