First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize