So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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