I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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