I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
