Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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