Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
