Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize