So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
