Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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