There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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