We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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