hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
