ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
