He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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