Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize