Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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