You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
