I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize