I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
And then the night went full on bisexual.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
