The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
